| Ok, so, I talked to my friend Christy this morning, and I told her that i had started a journal when things got really bad... and this is what I wrote:
5/15/06
What do I want? I want to be happy. I wnt a man that makes me as happy as Scotty did. Hell, I want Scotty. Most say it's a bad idea, but that's the man that kept me happy. I want to work at Wal-Mart and be a manager. Why waste half my life in school hoping to get a good job when I get out when Wal-Mart has already offered the promotion? I should be allowed to live my own life, to learn things the hard way, and to have fun. But I have this stupid issue... I always put everyone else's happiness before mine. If my actions or thoughts don't please my parents, friends, or boyfriend at the time, then I change everything... Just to keep them pleased.
5/16/06
I think that today should be marked as one of the worst days of my life. i haven't cried in so long, and to do it now, I feel ashamed. They took my car...They're shutting off my phone...And everyone is making me feel like crap (mainly my grandpa). I know I'm in debt, but I can only do so much to get out of it. Work more? I'm sick, I can't work right now. And how do I tell my parents I don't want to go to school anymore? They are expecting the money from VA so I can pay off my loan to them. It's hard... It really is. I hate being a disappointment, and right now I know that's what I am. If I could die right now things would be so much easier, but I have too many good things in my life right now to even consider that right now, or ever. It's a stupid idea, and I don't even see how people could consider it as an option.
5/18/06
I can't wait for my grandpa to leave. He's driving me insane!!! Yesterday I talked to my parents about making Wal-Mart my career. I guess they're ok with it. I really don't care because as far as I see, it's the best way to go. I tried talking to Scotty about it last night too, but that didn't go too well. He acts like I'm happy that I have to wait to see him. It sucks. But I can and will remain faithful to him. He's the man that I want to marry. Yeah, it sucks, but you gotta do what you gotta do. I'm not going to go down there with nothing. The way I see it, if he's serious about everything he's been talking about then he'll wait for me.
5/19/06
Now the topic is "Why go to Longview if you can only get your Associate's Degree?" Because that's what I want to do. I can have my degree in December and move to Louisiana during Christmas break. Scotty keeps telling me that I'm making up excuses so I don't have to come see him, which isn't it at all. Just let me get my degree up here and then I will go down there and spend the rest of my life with him. It really isn't that hard to understand. I have to pay my parents at least half of what I owe them before I can make a move that big. I love him with all my heart, I just need him to be reasonable right now.
Yeah, so, a lot of that has changed now that I talked to her. I don't need Scotty, I see that now, he just wants me down there to make him happy, not to make me happy. And Sean, he was controlling, and he wasn't even getting any... I've gotten over the depression for now, and I mean, things can only go up from here... But, I'm going to take a shower, I hope that everyone has a wonderful day. I know I will!! |
